June 19 marks the end of the school year, but until then it’s a busy time for children: weeks full of tests, assessments, summatives and listening. They come with a series of emotions that are sometimes difficult to manage. We spoke with psychologist Dorina Stamate about what happens in the mind and soul of a child during this period, what performance anxiety looks like at a young age and what parents can do concretely, simply and without putting even more pressure on their children’s small shoulders.
There is a paradox once we become adults: we can tend to be critical of children, forgetting what we felt when we were around them, what it was like to wait for an important test or to be listened to in Mate or Romanian, the blank exam paper and all the emotions that encompassed us.
And now, when we think about school, we often refer to subjects, classes, homework. We rarely stop to ask ourselves what a child feels every day when they enter the gate of the educational facility. Psychologist Dorina Stamate proposes a change of perspective:
School is, for a child, a whole universe. It is the place where they learn not only Mathematics or Romanian, but also how to deal with people, how to face failure, how to compare with others. And all of that comes with some pretty heavy emotional baggage that we adults often forget because we’ve packed it deep into our memory.
This collective oblivion of adults has consequences. When we no longer remember what it was like to be in the child’s place, we risk minimizing what he experiences, superficially treating emotions that, for him, are as real and intense as possible.
,,One of the most common challenges is performance anxiety – that dull fear of not being ‘good enough’. The child feels that he is constantly being judged: by the teacher, by his peers, sometimes even by his own family”explains the psychologist.
Added to this is social pressure, the desire to be liked and accepted or not to stand out in a negative way. Dorina Stamate also brings up an emotion that is very difficult to manage:
Many children also experience a sense of shame when they make a mistake in front of the class or receive harsh criticism—and shame, unlike guilt, doesn’t say “I’m wrong,” it says “I’m wrong,” which is much more painful.
Further down the list of challenges is burnout, often overlooked because we don’t recognize it in children as easily as we do in adults. “A child with school, homework, and extracurricular activities sometimes feels exactly what an overworked adult feels—only they don’t have the words to express it.”the psychologist draws attention.
How we can help the child before the tests. “A quiet child is one who knows that no matter what happens, safety awaits him at home, not judgment.”
Before tests, anxiety and fear also appear among children. And many parents wonder how to proceed. Dorina Stamate offers a starting point:
“The first and most important thing we can do is normalize the emotion. Let the child know that it’s perfectly normal to be emotional before something important, that we feel it too, that the emotion doesn’t mean he’s not ready. This simple validation makes a huge difference because it tells him there’s nothing wrong with him.”
There are then a number of practical tools. Conscious breathing – a few slow, deep breaths taken just before the test – actually reduces stress levels through proven physiological mechanisms. “It’s not just a cliché”emphasizes the psychologist.
And the words that the parents or those close to them, who raise the child, say are of great importance. Dorina Stamate explains:
The words we choose have a weight that we sometimes underestimate. Instead of <
>, better < > A quiet child is not one who feels nothing – but one who knows that no matter what happens, safety awaits him at home, not judgment.
Tips for the day before the test
The day before a test is often the most stressful for children. I asked the psychologist for some recommendations for children. Dorina Stamate proposes an approach that might surprise you: less can actually mean more.
How to be more present in the lives of our children
The day before a test should look simpler than most imagine. First, close the book on time – a brief recap is helpful, but the evening belongs to rest, not last-minute panic.
Long-term memory is consolidated during sleep – meaning a well-rested child will perform better than one who stayed up until midnight going through flashcards.
The psychologist’s second tip is to do something that really makes him happy.: “A game, a walk, a movie, because a relaxed brain consolidates information much better than a tense one.”
And the third tip, the simplest and perhaps the most profound of all:
To talk to a loved one, not necessarily about the test, but simply to connect, because this connection calms the nervous system more effectively than any technique.
For parents, the recommendations require, each in its own way, a bit of courage. First: don’t transfer your own anxiety. “A child feels exactly what the parent feels, even if nothing is said”warns the psychologist.
And, perhaps most importantly:
Be present emotionally, not just logistically. The child does not need a performance manager. He needs a parent with whom he can feel safe, no matter what grade he brings home.
How do we get kids to learn without putting pressure on them?
“This is probably the most delicate balance in parenting, and many families struggle with it daily”says the psychologist. However, motivation is never obtained through pressure, it attracts attention:
“The secret lies in the type of message we send, often without realizing it. The extra pressure usually comes from seemingly innocent phrases like <
Dorina Stamate proposes several changes in approach that can radically transform the atmosphere around homework and learning:
Let the child have a say in how and when he learns, within reasonable limits, because autonomy breeds responsibility. And, perhaps most importantly, celebrate the effort, not just the result. <
> is worth more than < >, because it tells the child that the process matters, not just the final performance. Children who learn for pleasure are, more often than not, children who have been shown that knowing something is in itself a joy.
The distinction between effort and outcome is the foundation of what psychologists call “growth mindset”the growth mindset: the belief that skills are not fixed, that they can be developed through work and perseverance.
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The note does not represent the child. Why this lesson matters for life
“Grades are a thermometer – and like any thermometer, they can sometimes be inaccurate, influenced by a bad day, by high anxiety, by the way the subject was formulated. Knowledge, however, remains, settles down, builds something lasting. When a child learns that his worth does not lie in a number in a catalog, he is given an enormous gift for adult life.”explains the psychologist.
Dorina Stamate says that there is a direct connection between the way we are taught to relate to grades in childhood and the emotional pattern of later adulthood:
“Anxious, perfectionistic adults who can’t stand failure and collapse at the first difficulty are often children who grew up with the message that grades equal self-worth. You’d tell a child that it’s about understanding, not getting 10, it teaches them not to define themselves by performance, to seek deep understanding instead of mechanical drill, and to have a healthy relationship with their own limits. In therapy, one of the most valuable things we see in an adult is precisely this ability to make mistakes and start over without destroying oneself. And that capacity is built from childhood, in the way we talk about school and about failure.”
