For many couples, sex plays an important role in overall intimacy. But that doesn't mean that every person wants sex at the same rate as their partner, according to Yahoo Life.
Couple. PHOTO Shutterstock
Sex therapist Chris Donaghue, author of “Rebel Love“tells Yahoo Life that inappropriate desire can be a problem for “couples of all sexual orientations” and that it's not at all unusual to want more or less sex than your partner, with differences in libido being normal and to be expected.
Sexual psychologist Laurie Mintz, author of the book “Becoming Literate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters – and How to Get It,” tells Yahoo Life that while research consistently shows that women have a lower libido than men, the culture surrounding sex plays a bigger role than biology.
According to her, women could “to have worse sex than men”as well as more “chronic stress” than men, partly because “fI have more housework and raising children” than these.
The same author says that maybe if women had access to “better sex” in general, they would be more inclined to want more.
When it comes to sex drive, there is no right or wrong, but it is important to differentiate between people who have low sex drive and people who identify as asexual (about 1% of the population).
“An asexual person is not sexually attracted – they are not sexually attracted to people and do not want to act on their attraction to others in a sexual way” explains the website of the Asexual Education and Visibility Network.
When you need help
There are times when a low sex drive can be a sign that something else is going on.
“If you notice that your sex drive seems to have decreased, I recommend seeing a doctor to ask about having your hormone levels tested” says Dr. Laura Purdy, a family physician, to Yahoo Life.
The doctor notes that testosterone, along with other natural hormones such as estrogen, governs sexual desire and libido.
Sex psychologist Laurie Mintz lists stress, exhaustion, anxiety and depression as medical and psychological issues that can impact libido, as well as medicines for depression or medical problems such as thyroid disease or chronic pain.
Can you fix the difference in libido?
Although they will rarely agree on the exact frequency of sex, couples can manage differences through communication.
A solution suggested by therapists is to establish some “scheduled sexual encounters“, which can mitigate “constant tension” around sex.
That way, the partner with the higher libido knows they're going to have sex, and the partner with the lower libido can prepare for it.
“I often ask couples to reminisce about their dates – the dressing up, the flirting and the night that ends with sex – explaining that this is not spontaneous, but well orchestratedt,” explains sex psychologist Laurie Mintz.
Responsive desire
The specialist says that especially women in long-term relationships stop feeling aroused spontaneously.
“However, there is another type of desire – receptive desire – which is just as legitimate and occurs when one does not feel aroused but is open to the idea of sex for other reasons, (such as) the fact that he knows that he will be fine once he starts or (that) he will feel closer to his partner,” explains Laurie Mintz.
According to her, with this kind of desire, “one does not wait to be turned on to have sex, one has sex to be turned ont,” she says.
For single people who are looking for a satisfying sexual relationship, it's also okay to seek out people whose sexual desires are in line with their own, notes Yahoo Life.
