An article in Scientific American sparked intense discussion on Reddit. It all started with an episode of the Science Quickly podcast on October 21, 2025, in which psychologist Shiri Lev-Ari, from Royal Holloway University of London, explained why some excuses seem genuine to us, while others are downright fake.
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The basic idea behind Shiri Lev-Ari’s research is that effort matters. The more elaborate the language, the apologies are presented through longer words, more complex sentences, the more sincerity the interlocutor perceives in the act of asking for forgiveness.
But the internet had a different opinion. “A real apology, in my opinion, involves three things. One: clearly owning up to what you did wrong and why it hurt. Two: letting go of control, understanding that forgiveness is not yours and that apologies are not a bargaining chip. Three: taking responsibility and changing. An apology is not a dispensation, it’s a contract.” someone wrote on reddit. Another user replied: “It’s good that you said in my opinion, because that’s all it is: an opinion. Read the study. You spend too much time moralizing and too little looking at the data.”
From there, the debate turned into a duel between science and empathy. A psychologist who intervened in the discussion wrote: “Apologies are not simple rituals, but mechanisms by which we restore balance to a relationship. Not asking for forgiveness is equivalent to avoiding responsibility. And a credible apology must show two things: recognition of the mistake and the desire not to repeat it.”
Another panelist wrote that: “We have to separate the internal state, which cannot be known, from the external manifestation. The difference between a credible excuse and a false one is determined only by external signals. That’s why language, tone, gestures matter, not stated intentions.” He emphasized that “the problem is not the function of apologies, but how you convince a man that you are sincere”.
“A real apology means changing your behavior afterward,” does anyone think Another commenter, who described himself as straight “a recovering liar in therapy”added: “The best untruth is one with a grain of truth in it. It is easier to build from a partial truth than to turn a complete lie into a truth.”
“Not everyone deserves an apology. Some take your vulnerability as weakness and take advantage”
Many users noticed the performative dimension of apologies: “We live in a world where sincerity is a type of marketing. It’s a market for emotions, a power play. It’s performance marketing disguised as sincerity. A paradise for gangsters and a farce for the naive.”
“Maybe I’m atypical, but I don’t really understand the point of apologies. I prefer to see change in actions, not words. And the idea of asking for forgiveness sometimes seems like an unnecessary act of submission,” another user added.
“People can’t read minds,” someone else wrote, adding: “It matters how you convey what you feel. I have found that sometimes my sincerity is not perceived as such. You have to interpret your emotions so that others can receive them.”
Later, someone bitterly notes that “half the time I apologize, people just take the opportunity to repeat what I did wrong, even though I’ve already admitted it. Sometimes you feel like taking back your apology.”
The more pragmatic commentators have warned that some relationships are simply not worth the effort. “Not everyone deserves an apology. Some take your vulnerability as weakness and take advantage. In a healthy relationship, both should own their share of mistakes.” wrote Brrdock, one of the top rated commenters.
Beyond the ironies and disputes, the debate touched on a common theme: that apologies, far from being just words, are exercises in moral symmetry. “When you make a mistake, you don’t just seek forgiveness, you restore balance.” wrote another psychologist participating in the discussion. “Without this restoration, relationships become transactional, not human.”
And in the middle of it all, an anonymous commenter summed it all up: “If you say I’m sorry but…, you haven’t said anything. An apology has no conditions. It has consequences.”
What science says about the language of apologies
In the episode “Why Some Apologies Feel Hollow and Others Don’t”, Shiri Lev-Ari explains why some excuses seem credible even when they are not. The researcher analyzed thousands of Twitter posts, noting that people used longer words when apologizing, whether they were celebrities or anonymous users.
“Long words are a signal of effort. They are harder to say, but easy to understand. Through them, the speaker shows that he is making an effort.” Lev-Ari explained. “Conversely, rare or unusual words tire both the speaker and the listener. Effective excuses are the ones that look elaborate, not the ones that make you look up the dictionary.”
In one experiment, participants considered options such as “My action does not represent my true character” more honest than “My action doesn’t reflect who I really am” although they are basically saying the same thing.
For female researchers “verbal effort matters. Not because it means more, but because it signals intent.”
“Both the length of the word and its frequency in common language matter. Apologies appear to be more effective when we use longer but familiar words, because the receiver does not expend much mental effort to understand them. In contrast, rare or unusual words may require more cognitive effort, reducing perceived authenticity.” explains, for “Adevărul”, somatic psychotherapist Roxana Serghe.
According to him, when the apology is not sincere, the message gets distorted, because the verbal part of the communication counts in a much smaller proportion: about 7%, compared to 38% paraverbal communication (tone, rhythm, intonation, volume) and 55% nonverbal communication (expressions, gestures, posture).
These percentages, known as “Mehrabian’s Rule” or the “7-38-55 Model of Communication,” were formulated by Albert Mehrabian, a professor of psychology at UCLA, and apply especially when there is a dissonance between what we say and how we say it: for example, when someone says “I’m fine” with a sad voice and a downward gaze, adds the psychotherapist.
“The essence of a genuine apology is for the person who offers it to be aware of their wrongdoing, to show regret and to show that they care about the other person, sincerely wishing not to repeat the behavior. It involves introspection, awareness and acceptance, moments that can be difficult for those who do not easily become vulnerable. For such people, expressing regret can seem like a threat to self-image, a weakness or a loss of power.” is Roxana Serghe’s opinion.
However, when the other is angry, withdraws emotionally, stops communicating or shows affection, the consequences of this distancing can push the person to formal apologies, offered only to regain favor or dialogue, not to truly make amends, as the psychotherapist opines. This form of “shallow repair” avoids vulnerability, but affects the relationship deeply.
“In such situations, the recipient of the apology quickly perceives inauthenticity: they feel disappointed, irritated, and unimportant, as if the other person does not really care about the relationship and does not realize the impact of their behavior.” adds Roxana Serghe.
