On Valentine’s Day, many get carried away with romance, dreaming of that perfect person who would complete us, whom we were destined to meet. But does it really exist?
Every year, on Valentine’s Day, many of us are tempted to believe that somewhere in the world there is “The Chosen One” or “The Chosen One”, the person who completes us perfectly, with whom life would be perfect and with whom we are meant to be happy.
This romantic belief is not new, but has deep roots in history, and people have always been attracted to the idea that true love is not accidental and that destiny guides us to the perfect person. However, contemporary research in psychology and biology suggests that this idealized view of the “soul mate” may be misleading, and that genuine, lasting love is formed through sustained effort and mutual adaptation rather than cosmic predestination.
From Plato to Hollywood: the myth of perfect love
The origins of the concept of a “soulmate” can be traced back to ancient Greece, where Plato claimed that humans were once whole beings with four arms, four legs and two faces, so brilliant that Zeus decided to separate them, and each half roamed the earth in search of the other, a myth that provides poetic genealogy for the modern idea of a soulmate and the promise that somewhere there is someone who will make us feel whole at last.
In the Middle Ages, this desire was transformed into “courtly love” through troubadour songs and Arthurian tales, where knights, such as Lancelot, demonstrated devotion and sacrifice for the woman they loved, even if they could never publicly declare it.
Somewhat later, in the Renaissance, writers such as Shakespeare depicted couples “under the sign of the stars,” united by an overwhelming bond but often separated by family, fortune, or destiny, as if the universe had written their love story but denied them a happy ending.
In the modern age, Hollywood and romance literature have perpetuated the idea that life with the “Chosen One” is somehow predestined and that the perfect love story exists beyond our will.
Science and the Idea of ”Chosen”
Modern research shows, however, that this idealized perception of love is much more complex than myths and popular culture suggest.
Viren Swami, professor of social psychology at Anglia Ruskin University, explains that in medieval Europe the stories of Camelot and the knights of the round table first introduced the idea that people should choose only one partner for life.
“These stories first promoted the idea that you should only choose one partner and that partner is for life,” explained Viren Swami, according to the BBC, adding that previously love was fluid and often separate from the sexual bond, allowing people to love multiple people without strict social constraints.
With industrialization and the breakdown of traditional communities, people began to look for partners who would provide them with emotional and social support, “to save them from the misery of their lives”, as Viren Swami explains, and modern dating applications have turned this search into an algorithmic process, which, paradoxically, can lead people away from the authentic experience of love, turning the search for the “Chosen One” into a soulless experience where going through numerous options becomes inevitable.
Destiny versus work in pairs
Professor Jason Carroll of Brigham Young University points out the crucial difference between the idea of a “soulmate” and the concept of “the one and only”, explaining that while the former assumes that love is predestined and effortlessly perfect, the latter is the result of sustained work and mutual adaptation within the relationship.
“A soulmate is simply found. It’s already done. But a ‘one and only’ is something two people build together, over the years, adapting, apologizing and sometimes gritting their teeth.” says Carroll.
Studies by Professor C. Raymond Knee of the University of Houston have shown that people who believe that relationships “are meant to be” they tend to question their commitment more quickly after conflict, while those with a growth mindset remain committed even during stressful times, proving that expecting uncomplicated, soul-mate love can be detrimental to relationship sustainability.
Spark or trap?
London-based relationship coach Vicki Pavitt warns that intense attraction alone can be deceptive and hide unhealthy emotional patterns.
“When there’s a lot of chemistry and spark, sometimes it’s about activating old, painful patterns,” she explains, noting that what seems like destiny may actually be a nervous system response to previous trauma, a phenomenon known in psychology as “trauma bond.”
Biology and mathematical algorithms
Beyond psychology, the biology of attraction suggests that there is no single predestined partner, but several viable options.
Studies have shown that hormonal contraceptives also influence the way partners perceive each other, and sexual and emotional satisfaction can vary depending on the contraceptive status at the time of choosing a partner.
Furthermore, mathematical simulations by economist Greg Leo of Vanderbilt University show that rarely do two people choose each other as their first choice, but many individuals have stable matches as their second or third choices, indicating that there are multiple possible “chosen ones” for each of us.
It’s the little things that keep love alive
At the same time, sociological research shows that small but constant gestures keep love alive more than grandiose or spectacular gestures: tea brought to bed, warming up the car on a cold morning, a smile shared during a party with other people or attention to small daily details have a much greater impact on emotional and intimate satisfaction than Hollywood romance or expensive gifts.
Love is built
A 2021 study explored the scientific mechanisms behind romantic love and identified several essential factors that facilitate the development of a romantic connection for most people.
Among them, mutual appreciation plays a central role, involving the clear display of interest in the partner and signs that feelings are shared, whether through gestures, facial expressions or subtle verbal cues.
Also, familiarity it contributes significantly to closeness, being fostered by regular interactions, whether these occur at work, in joint social activities, or through the fact that partners share circles of acquaintances.
Social influence is another determinant, as acceptance of the relationship by friends, family or cultural community can strengthen the couple’s sense of validation and emotional security.
In the end, satisfaction of emotional needs of each person is fundamental; a genuine romantic relationship develops only when the partners manage to support each other and meet their emotional needs, thus building a stable and lasting bond.
Science doesn’t diminish romance, it puts it on a realistic footing: It’s perfectly normal to hope that someone is right for you, but lasting relationships are built through patience, effort and communication, not destiny.
Paradoxically, those who end up experiencing genuine love are often those who stopped waiting for their “soul mate” and chose to build the relationship alongside the imperfect person in front of them, cultivating a solid bond based on adaptation, understanding and constant involvement. And sometimes small compromises.
