A long list of reasons can contribute to or cause divorce, but when it comes to the root cause for couples over 50, psychologists have one in particular in mind.
The Parade publication asked three psychologists what usually causes divorce in people over 50, and they pointed to only one thing.
“For many people over 50, the main factor leading to divorce is the “empty nest syndrome”. says Dr. Tara Lally, coordinating psychologist at Hackensack Meridian Health.
Basically, this happens when children leave home—to go to college, to live in their own space—and parents feel pain, confusion, a loss of meaning, and even relief at this major role change. But the key word here is “factor”.
“Empty nest syndrome doesn’t cause divorce – it brings out what’s been silently decaying for 20 years.” says Dr. Deborah Gilman, clinical psychologist and owner of Fox Chapel Psychological Services, which specializes in children, parenting, relationships, and the psychology behind modern culture.
She explains that children are “the ultimate distraction,” and when they leave the nest, parents have more time and space to work through unresolved conflicts, emotional distance, and mismatched identities.
“It appears that some couples were co-parents, not partners”she adds.
Dr. Lally found this to be true.
“When the everyday noise fades and the shared task of actively raising children disappears, we face what we have not noticed or overlooked: the lack of connection and intimacy.” she says.
You may find that you have little in common with your partner, or that you have changed in ways that he has not, perhaps even significantly.
“When children are no longer present, both partners can feel like they are living with a stranger,” says Dr. Francine Toder, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, academic emeritus, and professional writer, who just published her fifth book, Your Kids are Grown: Parenting 2.0. “The love of youth does not always age gracefully.”
Why more and more couples over 50 are getting divorced
Dr. Lally says it is “because they realize longer life expectancy, focus on personal fulfillment or the impact of health problems and retirement”.
The generational factor also adds context. She says this category had a higher divorce rate in their youth, which may play a role now.
“Many in this category are on their second or third marriages, which historically have a higher rate of ending in divorce“, she explains. “Baby boomers on their second and third marriages are the main drivers of the overall increase in “age 3 divorces.”
In terms of age, people can become pickier or more selective as they get older, which is not inherently a bad thing. You may have noticed this. It may seem like a change in values, an increased interest in independence or higher expectations.
“A longer lifespan provides an opportunity to reflect on the things that really matter,” says Dr. Toder. “With many years to live, people are no longer as willing to tolerate a relationship that doesn’t meet their needs.”
Dr. Gilman agrees, pointing to social changes such as the lessening of stigma and the increased financial independence of women these days.
“Fewer and fewer people are willing to spend the next 30 years suffering in silence for the sake of tradition,” she says. “Also, middle age has a strange way of triggering an existential clarity: You reach that moment where you ask yourself, ‘Is this really all?’, and suddenly putting up with your partner’s emotional indifference doesn’t seem so charming anymore, but rather a life sentence.”
What are the disadvantages of a “divorce at age three”
While divorce after decades of marriage can certainly be justified, you may also wonder what the downsides are.
“On average, women tend to suffer more financially and men tend to experience more emotional difficulties after divorce,”
adds the psychologist. “But – and this is a big “but”, obviously, not to be ignored – this is a trend, not a destiny.”
Other disadvantages mentioned by psychologists include the following:
– Reduction of retirement savings
– Higher cost of living
– Loss of health insurance
– Division of assets or common assets that are difficult to separate
– Feelings of loneliness and pain
– The stress of having to “start over”
– Loss of social networks
– Disruption of family life and relationships with adult children and grandchildren
– Concerns about future care
– Destroying what could be saved with a little help
– The need to “give up retirement” due to financial pressure
– Additional stress during the holidays and in terms of family structure
– Losing your life with someone who can take care of you emotionally and physically.
“Divorce at age three can be liberating” states Dr. Gilman. “People are finding happiness, identity, even love again… But the studies are clear: you trade emotional dissatisfaction for financial, social and physical uncertainty.”
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Is it worth getting divorced after 50?
Not sure if a divorce after 50 is worth it, given all these potential downsides? It depends on who you ask.
For Dr. Toder, it’s a subjective matter. “Since the average life expectancy is about 80 years, there are still many years ahead to find happiness.” she states. “However, will the benefits outweigh the disruptions?”
Her top suggestion is to talk with a neutral counselor, mediator, attorney, or clergy person to determine if the marriage can be saved.
Dr. Gilman also responds with “it depends”.
“It’s not worth staying if it means slowly eroding your sanity, identity or dignity,” she says. “The age of 50 isn’t the end — it’s the break in the middle of the game. But if the problems can be solved and you’re just chasing a fantasy of a more exciting life?… You might trade a grievance you’re used to for a whole new one with an even worse Wi-Fi connection.”
As she suggests, the answer to this question depends on what marriage and divorce entails in your specific situation. This is what Dr. Lally points out.
“For people who have been in a marriage that involved an unhealthy or toxic environment (marked by emotional, verbal or physical abuse, constant conflict or criticism), have an opportunity to end deep loneliness, and/or have an opportunity to live authentically, be happy, and grow personally, a divorce over 50 may be necessary.” she says. “While ending a marriage can be difficult, it can also provide a wake-up call for a person to rediscover themselves.”
Related: Lonely women over 50 often exhibit these 8 behaviors without realizing it, psychologists say
How couples over 50 can save their marriage
If you’ve decided to try to save your marriage but don’t know exactly how, don’t worry. Psychologists walk you through the essential steps.
Evaluate the relationship
Finally, take a closer look at the relationship. What do each of you need? What does the relationship need? Dr. Lally recommends answering some key questions together, such as why you want to save the marriage, what improvements are needed, and the level of commitment each of you can make.
Dr. Toder agrees. She encourages evaluation of the relationship by looking at what is great, what could be improved, and what steps might be needed.
“Then develop a personalized plan…that includes new ways to spend quality time together, identify and resolve issues you’ve been ignoring, talk openly about doubts, and try to listen without criticizing or judging“, she adds.
Start going out together again
During the “the evaluation stage“, you may find that you need to spice up your relationship and make it more interesting by bringing back curiosity and active outings. According to Dr. Gilman, this makes sense—and it might be easier than you think.
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“You’re not the same person you were in your 30s,” she says. “Neither is your partner. Start here.”
This might mean asking open-ended, present-day questions, such as what has excited your partner lately. It could also involve new activities such as travel, classes or a new restaurant. “The brain associates novelty with attraction“, she explains.
Simply put, have fun. Enjoy the fact that you don’t have to worry about the logistics of transporting the kids everywhere. Schedule time to reconnect, joke with each other, include more physical contact, and check in on how the other is feeling.
Address accumulated issues
It’s time to face those problems you’ve been putting off thinking “we’ll deal with it later“, especially if they’ve gotten worse. Dr. Gilman suggests having structured conversations, where one person talks and the other listens without interrupting. Then, decide to resolve the issue or renegotiate.
“Don’t just rehash old discussions,” she specifies. “If you keep having the same argument, it’s not an argument — it’s a system failure.”
Seek professional help
Consulting a marriage counselor can also be helpful, especially for more complex, deep-rooted, or hidden issues (and even proactively).
“Therapy is not failure; it is maintenance,” says Dr. Gilman. “Start therapy when you feel stuck, not when you feel like you’re done.”
Additionally, she recommends a therapist who practices the Gottman method or emotion-focused therapy. Treat this process as skill development, not a “blame game.”
Create a common future
Get caught up in the excitement; get out of your comfort zone. What will your life together look like without children? What makes you want to stay with your partner?
Dr. Gilman offers some ideas to help you get started:
“Never put your relationship on the back burner, prioritizing other things and taking it for granted that your life partner will always be there, waiting for your attention at some point” says Dr. Lally. “Always prioritize efforts to prevent distance from appearing and deepening between you and your partner, so that when responsibilities change in the future, you still have a solid foundation on which to build new chapters.”
