Whether we are talking about school or the playground, conflicts between children often arise. And the parent’s first temptation is to step in and defend their own child. In extreme cases, we can reach situations like the one in Brăila, where a 12-year-old student was beaten by the father of a colleague with whom he often quarreled at school. ,,Unfortunately, we are a society that does not learn in school to manage their emotions”says Ion-Ovidiu Pânișoara, PhD in Educational Sciences and author of the book “Effective Communication”. He, together with psychotherapist Dorina Stamate, come with advice on how to manage conflicts between children.
When should we intervene in the relationship between children Photo Shutterstock
When and how should we intervene?
The child’s quarrels with a colleague or friend can easily become reasons for tension for parents. However, adults should intervene in conflicts between children only in certain situations, experts say.
,, The intervention of the parent in no case should be one that involves violence. And parental intervention should probably take place when things degenerate. Especially when we’re dealing with a huge difference in power (the kids might be close in age, but one might be much stronger compared to the other). And then it’s complicated to let them solve this problem on their own. (…)The father must bring the element of mediation and negotiation into the discussion”says Ion-Ovidiu Pânișoara.
Psychotherapist Dorina Stamate shares a similar opinion:
“Adult intervention becomes necessary when the conflict exceeds the children’s capacities or risks harming them emotionally or physically. For example, the conflict is constantly repeated, the same child teases him, excludes him, hits him. Or your child comes home emotionally affected (cries, doesn’t want to go to school, the playground, etc.) or it’s a serious incident (injuries, destruction of property, lies that affect the child’s reputation)”.
Otherwise, conflicts between children can even be beneficial, says the psychotherapist:
“They are learning opportunities. The child learns about boundaries, empathy, negotiation, assertiveness and emotional regulation. Excessive parental intervention can rob the child of the chance to develop these skills.”
“If we think about our own childhood experience, there were parents who came to resolve the child’s conflicts and later, when the other children isolated him, not wanting to argue with the parent in question, those parents also came and said: <
Ion Ovidiu-Pânișoara is a doctor in Educational Sciences, author and university professor
Who should the discussion be with?
In situations where barriers are overcome, the discussion must take place between adults, who try together to find a solution. In none between the angry parent and someone else’s child.
“I think that the parent’s intervention must be from the position of a responsible adult who will address the other responsible adult (the other parent). And, if he doesn’t find understanding there, he can go further to the school and even to the competent bodies, if things degenerate”says Ion-Ovidiu Pânișoara.
“Raising the tone, imposing an authority, only works in relationships where the child has a basis of trust and attachment with the adult. A strange child or even your child’s friend does not perceive you as a safety figure, but as an external authority. He will feel the reaction as a humiliation or a threat, not as a correction; It can shut down emotionally or even devalue, especially if reprimanded in public.”draws Dorina Stamate’s attention.
Dorina Stamate is a psychologist with basic training in cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy
How we can help children resolve or avoid conflict
Specialists recommend that parents talk with their children before conflicts arise. And to prepare them mentally for difficult situations, so that they know how to react.
“I invite all parents to try to talk to their children before such things happen. There are all kinds of techniques. To put them in hypothetical situations. “What would you do if?”, “What do you do if this happens to you?”, “What do you do if a colleague reacts like this?”, “What do you do if a teacher treats you in a certain way?”. Because when that behavior happens, our brain freezes, it doesn’t manage to find a solution very quickly, which suits the abuser very well. On the other hand, if we prepare the child so that he has a quick reaction and has a response, most of the time the aggressors will leave the person in question alone” says Ion-Ovidiu Pânișoara.
It is important to build children who can handle themselves when they become adults, the Doctor of Education Sciences draws attention. For this, it is important that parents do not fall into the trap of excessive protection, he says.
“Unfortunately – and not only here, but also abroad – this generation is based on the parenting concept of the “helicopter parent”, the parent who is above the child and every time intervenes, not letting the child have his own failures, his own moments of balance. The parent must intervene only when these moments of failure or balance are too big and are difficult for the child to manage. But let him solve his small problems problems, to have autonomy and to find solutions for the problems they face”.
When children reconcile, but parents hold grudges
Another situation can often arise. The one where the kids make up, but the adults hold grudges.
“Children reconcile because that conflict between them may not have solid foundations, but the conflict between parents has solid foundations, because it is based on the conflict between children. And parents can risk having inappropriate reactions to each other that lead to their own conflict, which is no longer related to the children.”the university professor thinks.
“Discussion between parents is beneficial if it is done calmly and empathetically, without accusations, focusing on the solution, not on the culprit, mutual respect between adults”. also emphasizes Dorina Stamate.
What happens when parents don’t know how to manage their own emotions
Situations like the one in Brăila, where a 12-year-old child was beaten by the father of a colleague with whom he was arguing, show a problem in society: the lack of emotional education, Ion-Ovidiu Pânișoara believes. The case is not the first of its kind. In 2021, in a park in Hunedoara, a father beat up a 13-year-old boy who allegedly hit his child. The beaten boy then arrived at the hospital with serious injuries.
,,,There is no parents’ school in Romania. The fact that you love your child does not mean that you also know how to educate him. And you might make some major mistakes. With love, but do them. And taking out a misfit or a bully, even though you didn’t want it. If you don’t know how to get over moments of anger, how do you teach the other person? (…) We lack an emotional education on all levels. Look at what an aggressive world we have come to live in. If we walk down the street and look at people, we see that they have a certain frown, as if they are putting up a shield in case something happens to them. I think this is exactly what should be changed”emphasizes Ion-Ovidiu Pânișoara.
The solution could be for education about emotion management to be done in school.
,, I, at one point, proposed to the Ministry of Education to introduce “Emotion Management” as a subject in school, through which children learn to manage all their emotions. Anger is just one of them, but sometimes sadness makes us react in a crazy way. When he is vulnerable, the child may try to counter it with anger. And we may think that he is a child, but he may be sad. We have to make him angry. we teach the child to manage his emotions so that he can successfully deal with the emotions of others” concludes the university professor.
