“If I don’t take you, no one else will!” – is one of the phrases that some women and even men often hear. But does this phrase represent subtle manipulation or assault on self-esteem?
Emotional manipulation in the relationship of the couple Photo guystuffcounseling com
If you have ever faced such a situation, received such a response, it is good to know that it is actually a common form of emotional manipulation, designed to reduce the self-confidence of the victim.
When your partner constantly puts you in a position of inferiority, comparing you to ex-girlfriends/ex-boyfriends or pointing out your “flaws”, it weakens your confidence and makes you believe that you don’t deserve more, draw the attention of specialists.
They also teach us how to recognize if we are in such a situation, but also what we can do to escape from such a toxic relationship.
The great seducers and manipulation techniques
Great seducers frequently use manipulative strategies to diminish their partner’s self-esteem, thus creating an emotional dependency. This technique allows them to boost their ego and satisfy their pride by having complete control over the victim.
Rather than being alarm bells, these situations often cause those affected to become even more eager to meet their partner’s demands, even if it saps their last shred of confidence and self-esteem. They thus come to believe that their personal worth is insufficient and try to compensate by associating with people they perceive as special. The strategy, however, merely reflects an attempt to artificially increase one’s sense of personal worth through relationships with those one considers superior or admirable.
What follows in such a situation? Emotional dependence on both sides, explains psychological counselor and psychotherapist Magdalena Ciucă for Psychologies.
Unbelievable who are the ones who most often fall into the trap of manipulation
That’s why some people end up staying in toxic relationships, thinking that they won’t find someone else who will accept them as they are if their partner leaves them. Meanwhile, the other side believes that by humiliating the victim it demonstrates its power and superiority. However, the specialist points out that these people have flawed reasoning, fueled by immeasurable pride, which prevents them from recognizing their true value and understanding that they are not superior to their partners.
“Unfortunately, studies in the field have come to a surprising conclusion: the smarter you are, the easier you are to manipulate”draws the psychotherapist’s attention, explaining that intelligent people often fall into the trap of wanting to understand the perspective of the one who manipulates them, making efforts to reach a common denominator. It’s just that the manipulator will continue to lie, deny reality, and deliberately create conflict that he feeds off of.
Signs that help you realize you are being manipulated
There are signs that show manipulation in a relationship. If you suspect you or a loved one may be the victim of manipulation, here are some signs to look out for, according to Guy Stuff Counseling and Coaching:
1. “If you loved me, you would…”, This phrase can also be expressed in other forms, such as “if you really cared about me” OR “when one truly loves, one does these things” or other variations of the same message. The point is that your love and devotion is questioned if you don’t do what your partner asks. This is a clear manipulation of your feelings and an unacceptable way to get you to do what he wants. People manipulated in this way often end up with a distorted definition of love.
2. You are held emotionally prisoner. If you feel that you are solely responsible for your partner’s happiness, sanity, security, or even life, you are being manipulated. Phrases like “I Couldn’t Live Without You” or “My life means nothing without you” they are unhealthy feelings and a form of emotional blackmail that keeps you prisoner in the relationship. Even if you love your partner, you’re now in a situation where you don’t feel like you have a real choice about staying with them. It is important to understand that only you are responsible for your own happiness. There is a difference between being kind and empathetic to someone’s feelings and allowing someone to manipulate you into staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy.
3. You often feel guilty and apologize frequently. If your partner is always playing the victim and you constantly feel guilty about something you did or didn’t do, you may be a victim of manipulation in a relationship. By feeling guilty and apologizing all the time, you may not realize that your partner is controlling you, influencing your actions and feelings, and ultimately your relationship.
4. You wonder if you’re losing your mind. Does your partner ever claim they didn’t say something you know they did? Or that you said something you know you didn’t say? These behaviors, or any combination of them, can make you feel like you’re losing touch with reality. This behavior is called “gaslighting” and it’s a cruel form of manipulation that undermines your self-confidence and makes you increasingly dependent on your partner as time goes on.
5. Kindness with conditions. We have all experienced this at some point. Someone is overly nice to you, to the point where you wonder: “What does he want from me?”. In a romantic relationship, these actions can be even more subtle. In these cases, it can be compliments that target your insecurities, declarations of love, or even sexual favors, all in an attempt to establish a reciprocal exchange to get you to do something.
6. Incorrect and unbalanced exchanges. Another common form of manipulation is the approach “If you do…” or “If you don’t…”. For example, it applies if the partner constantly threatens: “If you don’t have sex with me, I’ll find someone who will.” The threat of infidelity can be enough to make some women, for example, feel they have to have sex even when they don’t want to in order to keep the relationship alive. Or, conversely, the woman who says: “If you buy me these earrings, I promise I will…” Both are forms of manipulation and are unfortunately common in relationships.
What is to be done
Stopping manipulation can be difficult, especially because it’s often hard to admit you’re in such a situation. However, a relationship where overt manipulation is practiced to get someone to do things they wouldn’t naturally do, feel uncomfortable with, or to control how and when they do them, is unhealthy and abusive , the specialists explain.
To stop the manipulation, you will need to examine your personal traits that have allowed others to take advantage of you, especially if you notice that this is a repetitive pattern in your relationships. Personal vulnerabilities or insecurities do not justify exploitation by others, but they are issues you need to address to prevent them from happening again in the future.
To truly stop manipulation in a relationship, you will need to reestablish your boundaries. This process can take time and will require repeated actions on your part. You need to be clear with your partner about what you notice, how it makes you feel, and how you would like the situation to change.
Keep in mind that he/she may not be aware of the impact of his/her behavior on you. It is possible that he/she has been treated the same and knows no other approach. That doesn’t mean the behavior can continue, but it does suggest that a gentle approach might be best at first as you begin to work to redefine the dynamics of your relationship.
“Manipulation in relationships is much more common than most people realize. When partner manipulation is intentional and frequent, it becomes a form of relationship abuse,” explains Dr. Kurt Smith.
The important thing is to establish open and positive communication and begin to change the dynamic created. We have all been manipulated or exhibited manipulative behaviors at one time or another. Even staying silent when you’re upset with your partner can be considered a form of manipulation. When it happens occasionally, it’s not as concerning. But a healthy and happy relationship doesn’t involve regular manipulation.
Or you can simply approach the tactic proposed by psychotherapist Magdalena Ciucă who says that the fastest solution in such cases is distancing: “Don’t sacrifice your self-esteem for someone who takes advantage of your weaknesses.”
