As the years go by, many couples notice a waning of the passion from the first months of their relationship. Although it’s a common phenomenon, experts say there are biological, psychological and emotional explanations for why physical intimacy declines over time, as well as ways it can be revived.
Why sexual desire decreases in long-term relationships PHOTO: Archive
“I only have sex once every few months“, friends or acquaintances, especially men, often confess. Most of them have been in relationships for years, have children, and lead stable but frustratingly sexless lives. At the beginning of the relationship, passion and intimacy were at their highest, and many thought it would last forever. But now, many feel disappointed.
“It is normal for sexual desire to decrease after one or two years of relationship”explains Andrea Seiferth, psychologist and couple therapist from Hamburg, for Deutsche Welle. She shows that a cocktail of hormones plays an important role: at the beginning of the relationship, they increase the libido, but as the relationship evolves, the hormone oxytocin, which promotes social connection, becomes more present.
“These attachment hormones reduce the effects of sex-stimulating hormones, decreasing both desire and frequency of intercourse. This is something that partners need to be aware of,” explains Seiferth.
How do couples cope with these changes? “Communication is essential”Seiferth claims. Couples need to be open about their likes and dislikes in the bedroom. Understanding your own sexuality is crucial because certain positive or negative experiences can strongly influence sexual desire.
Differences between men and women
Meredith Chivers, professor of psychology and sexologist at Queens University in Canada, has studied female sexuality and shows that it differs from male sexuality. Her research proves that women can be physically aroused without necessarily feeling pleasure.
“We observed significant physical sexual responses in women to various sexual stimuli that were not at all desired or pleasurable, for example in the case of depictions of sexual coercion“, Chivers told DW. She explains that this physical-psychological difference is not about female biology, but rather about sexual experiences throughout life, influenced by gender roles, negative body messages, and experiences of pain or violence.
This imbalance is also reflected in “the orgasmic gap”: a 2022 study shows that only 30-60% of women reach orgasm during heterosexual intercourse, while for men the percentage is between 70% and 100%.
Sexual satisfaction matters
Stable and long-lasting relationships can be affected if women’s sexual needs are not met in the long term. Failure to meet these needs can lead to sexual stress and decreased libido, according to psychologist Natalie Rosen’s research. His study also showed that satisfaction of sexual needs is associated with greater sexual desire and higher relationship satisfaction.
“Often, women get bored when there is no communication about sexual needs“, adds Seiferth.
Physical affection strengthens the bond
Seiferth points out that how they feel in a relationship is very important to women. If they don’t feel seen and appreciated, sexual intimacy can suffer. “Women need a lot of courage to express their needs and say what they don’t like.”
Many couples who come to Seiferth for sexual problems rarely touch each other in their daily lives, barely hugging, kissing or touching. “And then comes the weekend, when sex has to happen, and it can feel like jumping off a 10-meter platform.”.
So, in addition to communication, mutual physical affection is also important, which strengthens the bond between partners. At the same time, some couples need autonomy to maintain passion. “Sometimes distance is important, as are new and exciting experiences“.
Sex is not mandatory
Caresses and kisses can trigger desire and pleasure. “I may have to wait a long time for sex if it only comes when I feel aroused”Seiferth explains. After the first few years of a relationship, finding time to be together, even without sex, becomes more important. Thus, couples can develop playful and intimate methods, where sex is not mandatory, but remains a priority.
Not only sex deepens the connection between partners, but also the moments spent together after intercourse. Cuddles and post-sex affection contribute to closeness, trust and intimacy. Psychologist Amy Muise’s studies show that post-sex affection increases sexual and relationship satisfaction, especially for women.
